What Is Paperclipping? Understanding This Toxic Dating Trend in Relationships

Reading time: 8 minutes

Table of Contents

• Introduction to Paperclipping
• Understanding the Psychology Behind Paperclipping
• Signs You’re Being Paperclipped
• The Emotional Impact of Paperclipping
• How to Respond to a Paperclipping Ex
• Protecting Yourself from Paperclippers
• Real-Life Paperclipping Stories
• Paperclipping in the Digital Dating Era
• Breaking Free: Your Emotional Recovery Roadmap
• Frequently Asked Questions

Introduction to Paperclipping

Remember Clippy, Microsoft Office’s overly helpful and slightly annoying paperclip assistant that would pop up unexpectedly with “Can I help you?” just when you thought you’d seen the last of it? That’s essentially what happens in the dating phenomenon known as “paperclipping”—except it’s significantly more emotionally damaging than any software assistant could ever be.

Paperclipping refers to when someone from your past—typically an ex or someone you dated briefly—disappears from your life completely, only to randomly reappear with a casual message as if no time has passed. Then, just as suddenly as they appeared, they vanish again. Rinse and repeat, often for months or even years.

This term was coined by illustrator Samantha Rothenberg in 2019 when she created a cartoon comparing this frustrating dating behavior to Clippy. The illustration went viral, striking a chord with countless people who had experienced this exact pattern in their dating lives.

Unlike ghosting (completely disappearing) or breadcrumbing (sending mixed signals to keep someone interested without committing), paperclipping has its own unique and harmful pattern. It’s characterized by unpredictable reappearances that seem friendly and non-committal on the surface but can cause significant emotional turbulence for recipients.

At its core, paperclipping is about maintaining connection on the paperclippers’ terms, without regard for the emotional impact on the other person. It’s a behavior pattern that’s become increasingly common in our digital world of instant connectivity.

Understanding the Psychology Behind Paperclipping

What Motivates a Paperclipper?

To effectively navigate the uncomfortable terrain of paperclipping, it’s crucial to understand what drives this behavior. Paperclippers aren’t usually malicious people setting out to cause pain—they’re typically acting from their own unresolved issues:

• Ego validation: The primary motivation often boils down to seeking validation. When they’re feeling low or insecure, they reach out to people they know were once interested in them to receive an ego boost.
• Fear of commitment: Many paperclippers genuinely enjoyed aspects of their connection with you but have deep-seated fears around genuine intimacy and commitment.
• Emotional unavailability: They may be emotionally unavailable due to past traumas, attachment issues, or simply not being in a place where they can offer a real relationship.
• Keeping options open: Some people paperclip multiple past connections simultaneously, keeping a “bench” of potential romantic interests they can tap into when they’re feeling lonely.
• Ambivalence: They might be genuinely unsure about what they want, cycling between wanting connection and then pulling away when it feels too intense.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship dynamics, explains: “Paperclipping reflects a pattern of intermittent reinforcement—one of the most powerful behavioral conditioning mechanisms. It keeps the recipient in a constant state of uncertainty, which paradoxically strengthens their attachment to the very person causing the distress.”

The Psychology of Why We Respond

Equally important is understanding why many of us respond to paperclipping despite knowing better:

• Hope and nostalgia: Their message triggers memories of good times and reignites hope that things could be different this time.
• Intermittent reinforcement: The unpredictable nature of their contact creates a strong psychological hook, similar to the mechanism that makes gambling addictive. The occasional “reward” of their attention becomes more powerful because of its unpredictability.
• Closure seeking: Many respond hoping to finally get answers or closure that was never provided when the relationship initially ended.
• Self-doubt: Recipients often wonder if they were too harsh in their judgment of the paperclipper and question if they should give them another chance.

Understanding these psychological dynamics doesn’t excuse paperclipping behavior, but it can help you respond more effectively when it happens to you.

Signs You’re Being Paperclipped

Paperclipping can sometimes be difficult to identify, especially when emotions and hope cloud our judgment. Here are the telltale signs that you might be caught in a paperclipping situation:

Classic Paperclipping Behaviors

• The random “hey” text: They message after weeks or months of silence with something casual like “Hey stranger!” or “Just thinking about you” without acknowledging their absence.
• Social media re-emergence: They suddenly start liking your posts or watching your stories after complete radio silence.
• The midnight message: They reach out late at night, often with subtle romantic or sexual undertones.
• The non-committal check-in: They ask how you’re doing but deflect when you try to have a deeper conversation about where things stand.
• The disappearing act: After a brief reconnection, they vanish again without explanation, only to repeat the cycle weeks or months later.
• The nostalgia play: They reference shared memories or inside jokes as a way to reestablish connection without addressing current relationship status.
• Convenient timing: They tend to reappear when they’re between relationships or during holidays and special occasions when people typically feel lonely.

What makes paperclipping particularly confusing is that the messages often seem innocent on the surface. They rarely begin with grand declarations or obvious romantic overtures—instead, they masquerade as friendly check-ins that make you question whether you’re overreacting to their contact.

The Emotional Impact of Paperclipping

While paperclipping might seem like a minor annoyance, its psychological effects can be surprisingly profound and long-lasting:

Emotional Effect	Short-Term Impact	Long-Term Impact	Recovery Difficulty (1-10)
Trust Issues	Questioning intentions	Difficulty believing future partners	8
Self-Worth Damage	Temporary self-doubt	Chronic feeling of not being “enough”	7
Emotional Instability	Mood swings around contact	Anxious attachment patterns	6
Progress Disruption	Temporary setback in moving on	Inability to fully engage with new relationships	9
Time Investment Loss	Wasted emotional energy	Pattern of investing in unavailable people	5

Therapist and relationship expert Dr. Alexandra Solomon describes it this way: “Being paperclipped creates a state of emotional limbo. Just as you start to heal and move forward, their reappearance pulls you back into the emotional undertow of the relationship. This cycle can significantly delay your healing process and impact your ability to form healthy attachments in the future.”

The data visualization below shows the reported emotional impacts of paperclipping according to a 2021 survey of 500 dating app users who experienced this behavior:

How to Respond to a Paperclipping Ex

When that unexpected message appears on your screen from someone who previously disappeared, your response can either free you from the cycle or pull you deeper into it. Here are strategic approaches to handling a paperclipping situation:

Effective Response Strategies

1. The direct approach: Politely but firmly acknowledge what’s happening. For example: “I notice you tend to reach out randomly and then disappear again. I’ve moved on and prefer not to continue this pattern.”
2. The boundary-setting response: “I appreciate you reaching out, but I’m looking for consistency in my relationships. Unless that’s something you’re ready for, I think it’s best we don’t continue contact.”
3. The no-response method: Sometimes, not responding at all is the most effective way to break the cycle. This can be particularly powerful if you’ve previously expressed your boundaries.
4. The closure conversation: If you feel you need closure, you might respond once with: “I’ve been wondering why you reach out periodically. What are you hoping to achieve with these check-ins?”
5. The blocking option: In cases where the paperclipping is causing significant emotional distress or the person isn’t respecting your boundaries, blocking their number and social media accounts might be the healthiest choice.

Relationship coach Evan Marc Katz advises: “The key is responding from a place of self-respect rather than hope or nostalgia. Ask yourself: If a friend told me someone was treating them this way, what would I advise them to do? Then follow that advice yourself.”

What Not to Do

Equally important is understanding what responses tend to reinforce paperclipping:

• Don’t respond immediately: Instant responses signal availability and interest, potentially encouraging the behavior.
• Avoid emotional accusations: Messages like “How dare you contact me after disappearing?” may feel satisfying but often lead to defensive responses or manipulative apologies.
• Don’t ask “why now?”: This question invites excuses and explanations that pull you back into their narrative.
• Resist reminiscing: When they bring up good memories, avoid falling into nostalgic conversations that reignite emotional attachment.
• Don’t keep the door open: Responses like “I’m busy now, but maybe later” only encourage future paperclipping attempts.

Protecting Yourself from Paperclippers

The best defense against paperclipping is developing a strong personal foundation and clear boundaries before it happens. Here’s how to protect yourself:

Building Emotional Resilience

Developing internal strength is your first line of defense against manipulation tactics like paperclipping:

• Self-validation practice: Work on affirming your own worth instead of seeking validation from others, particularly those who have been inconsistent with you.
• Reality checks: Keep a journal of past patterns with the person to reference when nostalgia or hope threatens to override your good judgment.
• Support system: Maintain strong friendships with people who will give you honest feedback when you might be slipping back into unhealthy patterns.
• Clear values identification: Define what you truly want in relationships and regularly evaluate if your current connections align with those values.

Practical Prevention Strategies

Beyond emotional work, there are practical steps you can take:

• The three-strike rule: Decide in advance how many disappearing/reappearing acts you’ll tolerate before cutting contact (hint: the healthiest number is often one).
• Digital boundaries: Consider removing past connections from social media during your healing period to prevent easy access to you.
• Delayed response protocol: Establish a personal rule to wait 24 hours before responding to any message from someone with a history of inconsistent behavior.
• Communication clarity: In new relationships, clearly communicate your expectations around consistency and respect, making it known that disappearing acts aren’t acceptable to you.

Dating coach Damona Hoffman suggests: “The most powerful protection against paperclipping is a full and satisfying life that makes a paperclipper’s sporadic attention feel like what it truly is—an interruption rather than an opportunity.”

Real-Life Paperclipping Stories

Case Study 1: Morgan’s Three-Year Paperclip Cycle

Morgan, 34, experienced a classic paperclipping situation with her ex-boyfriend Jake. After an intense eight-month relationship, Jake suddenly ended things, citing “timing issues.” For the next three years, he maintained a predictable pattern of reaching out every 4-6 months with casual messages like “Just saw your favorite band is coming to town” or “How’s that project at work going?”

“Each time he’d reach out, my heart would race and I’d think maybe this time was different,” Morgan explains. “We’d have a brief, friendly exchange that would inevitably turn flirtatious, sometimes even leading to meeting up. But within days of reconnecting, he’d become distant and eventually ghost again.”

The turning point came when Morgan started therapy and recognized the pattern. “My therapist helped me see that I was stuck in a loop of intermittent reinforcement. Jake wasn’t interested in a relationship—he was interested in knowing I was still available to boost his ego when he needed it.”

Morgan’s solution: After her therapist suggested she write down exactly how she felt during each phase of the cycle, she was able to see clearly how the brief highs weren’t worth the prolonged lows. She ultimately blocked Jake’s number and social media accounts, later reporting: “The relief was almost immediate. I finally felt free to fully invest in new relationships without constantly wondering when he’d pop up again.”

Case Study 2: Alex’s Paperclipping Wake-Up Call

Alex, 29, had been on the receiving end of paperclipping from a woman he dated briefly, Sophia. Their pattern lasted for almost two years after just three actual dates together. Sophia would disappear, then send midnight texts saying she missed him, often when her other relationships ended.

“What made me finally see the light was when I started dating someone new who was consistently interested and available,” Alex shares. “The contrast was stark. I realized I’d been making excuses for Sophia’s behavior because the chemistry was strong, but I was accepting crumbs of attention when I deserved a whole relationship.”

When Sophia reached out again while he was in his new relationship, Alex responded differently: “I finally told her directly that her in-and-out presence in my life wasn’t something I wanted anymore. I wished her well but made it clear I wasn’t interested in continuing the pattern.”

The outcome: “She actually apologized, which surprised me. She admitted she only reached out when she felt lonely or insecure. That conversation gave me closure, and I haven’t heard from her since. My new relationship continues to thrive because we both prioritize consistency.”

Paperclipping in the Digital Dating Era

While the behavior itself isn’t new, modern technology has created the perfect environment for paperclipping to flourish. Understanding the digital context can help you recognize and respond to this behavior more effectively.

How Technology Enables Paperclipping

Today’s digital landscape has made paperclipping easier and more common than ever:

• Multiple contact channels: With texting, various social media platforms, dating apps, and email all available, a paperclipper has numerous ways to reappear in your life, even if you’ve blocked them on one platform.
• Low-effort contact: A single-emoji reaction to your Instagram story takes seconds but can trigger hours of emotional turmoil for the recipient.
• Digital courage: The emotional distance provided by screens makes it easier for people to reach out without facing the immediate consequences of their inconsistency.
• The perpetual connection: Unlike pre-digital eras when moving or changing phone numbers created natural endpoints to relationships, today’s persistent digital presence means connections never truly have to end.

Dating app consultant Meredith Golden notes: “The ease of digital communication has removed almost all barriers to casual contact. In the past, reaching out to an ex required more effort and thought—picking up the phone, writing a letter, or showing up in person. The higher effort threshold naturally filtered out less serious intentions.”

Digital Boundaries for Protection

In response to these technological enablers, new digital boundary practices have emerged:

• Strategic muting: Many social platforms allow you to mute someone’s messages or posts without them knowing, giving you emotional space without the potential conflict of a formal “block.”
• Content privacy management: Adjusting your social media privacy settings to control who can see your stories and updates helps prevent the casual “check-ins” that paperclippers rely on.
• Digital detox periods: Taking planned breaks from platforms where you might encounter a paperclipper can help reset your emotional responses and strengthen your resolve.
• App boundaries: Consider keeping certain social spaces paperclipper-free. For example, you might block them on dating apps while merely muting them on professional networking sites.

Breaking Free: Your Emotional Recovery Roadmap

If you’ve recognized you’re caught in a paperclipping situation, here’s your step-by-step plan to reclaim your emotional freedom and move forward:

Step 1: Recognition and Acceptance

The first step is acknowledging what’s happening without minimizing or making excuses. Name the pattern: “This is paperclipping, and it’s not a sign of genuine interest or respect for my time and feelings.”

Step 2: Document the Pattern

Create a timeline of their appearances and disappearances. Note how you felt at each stage. This objective view makes it harder to rationalize their behavior when they inevitably appear again.

Step 3: Define Your Non-Negotiables

Write down what you truly deserve in a relationship. Create specific statements like “I deserve consistent communication” or “I deserve someone who is clear about their intentions.”

Step 4: Implement Your Exit Strategy

Choose the response that feels right for you: direct communication about ending contact, not responding, or blocking. Prepare the specific language or actions you’ll use.

Step 5: Create a Support Protocol

Identify 2-3 friends who understand the situation and can offer support when you feel tempted to respond. Consider creating a code word you can text them when you need immediate reinforcement.

Step 6: Redirect Your Energy

Channel the emotional energy you’ve been investing in the paperclipping situation toward something that builds your self-worth: a new skill, hobby, friend connections, or other aspects of personal growth.

Remember that breaking free from a paperclipping cycle isn’t just about the specific person—it’s about reclaiming your power and establishing healthier relationship patterns moving forward. Every time you resist engaging with a paperclipper, you’re actively building your self-respect muscle and making space for truly fulfilling connections.

The journey beyond paperclipping isn’t just about avoiding toxic dating patterns—it’s about creating a relationship vision that’s worthy of your authentic self. What kind of connections do you want to cultivate going forward? What lessons from this experience will help you recognize red flags earlier? How will you honor your own boundaries in future relationships?

As relationship therapist Esther Perel wisely notes: “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” By freeing yourself from the paperclipping cycle, you’re making a powerful statement about the quality of connection you demand for your one precious life.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is paperclipping ever innocent, or is it always manipulative?

While paperclipping can sometimes happen unintentionally when someone is genuinely confused about their feelings, the behavior itself is inherently inconsiderate regardless of intention. Even without malicious intent, the paperclipper is prioritizing their momentary emotional needs over the potential impact on the recipient. The pattern becomes particularly problematic when it continues after the recipient has expressed discomfort or requested consistency. The key factor is not the paperclipper’s conscious intent but rather the repeated pattern of unpredictable engagement followed by disappearance.

Can a relationship ever work after a paperclipping pattern has been established?

While rare, relationships can sometimes recover from paperclipping patterns, but this requires several crucial elements: genuine acknowledgment from the paperclipper about their behavior; a clear understanding of the underlying causes (often through therapy); consistent changed behavior over time (not just promises); and significant work rebuilding trust. The recipient must also honestly assess whether they can move past the established pattern without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Most relationship experts agree that it’s generally healthier to establish boundaries and move on rather than trying to transform a paperclipping situation into a healthy relationship.

How is paperclipping different from someone who genuinely realizes they made a mistake in ending a relationship?

The key difference lies in the pattern and approach. Someone who genuinely regrets ending a relationship typically approaches reconnection with honesty, accountability, and a clear expression of what they’ve learned and how they’ve changed. They acknowledge their previous behavior and its impact on you. In contrast, a paperclipper avoids these deeper conversations, instead making casual contact that doesn’t address the past disappearance. Additionally, genuine reconnection attempts aren’t characterized by the cyclical disappearing pattern that defines paperclipping. The person seeking a genuine second chance will demonstrate consistent effort rather than sporadic attention.